XXX Files

Fox Mulder recently checked himself into a rehab clinic to cure his sex addiction. Who the hell isn't addicted to sex? It's like saying I'm addicted to oxygen. Der.

Sex Rehab Clinic? Is there a more useless institution? Clearly these clinics are just fronts, created by some dudes who wanted to help their buddies out. It's just a way for the person with the "addiction" to show everyone that he's really making an effort to change....wink, wink.

I bet they drink beer, watch porn, and play ping pong all day long.

Keynesian Economics

If "Sex Sells", then why is there a limitless supply of free porn?

The idea of free internet porn absolutely astounds me from an economic standpoint. It defies the laws of supply and demand. If you have huge demand for a product, then how in a free market does the price settle at $0. It's the same thing as sharing free mp3's, which has the music industry all in a stink.

I'm guessing it has something to do with these do-gooder/hackers intent on sharing everything on the net. In effect they control the supply, and make it available to everyone. If they were smart, they'd collectively come together and set a price(discounted to the regular retail price). What if the supply of free porn suddenly dried up? What would people do? That could be a bubble burst worse than the Dot-com or current housing crisis. People would start shelling out $5 a pop to see a nipple, it would be crazy.

Can somebody from the University of Chicago do some kind of graduate thesis on this please?

Fantasy Draft, 2008 Predictions

Since I'm not that great at fantasy football, I'd rather give you a breakdown of just about everything else for the rest of the Calendar year 2008. Here we go from top to bottom.

Breakthrough Seasons - these are the high fliers that have the most upside. You have to get them in the first two rounds because they wont be around for long.

Barack Obama - let's face it, we're probably talking about the next President. McCain is old, and unfortunately, that matters to voters. "I know it's cold outside, but I am f'ed up!"

Matt McGowan - I have a feeling the 60 hour work weeks are going to start reaping some serious fruit loops. I'm thinking he hits big on a scratch ticket or sues Starbucks for finding a finger in his latte. Maybe turns Opie into a champion show dog or stud.

Polish Horshoes - this thing is taking off. Beer and frisbees. What's not to like about this game? Except the fact that Mike Miele and Mike Falco are dominating the sport. Keep and eye out for Polish Horshoe sets in stores. Although it's a summer game, it'll be on everybody's Christmas list this year. These things will be selling out like Cabbage Patch Dolls and Tickle Me Elmos.

Solid Value Picks - singles up the middle. Grab them early, grab them late, you can't miss with these guys.

US Dollars - oh yeah baby, the greenback is back. The dollar has been surging against the Euro and the British Pound lately. If you have an opportunity to legally obtain US Dollars, do it, then put them in a bank.

Cell Phones - have you seen these things? They allow you to communicate with friends and family when you're not at home or at work. The fancier top of the line models can take pictures and play games like Black Jack and Pong. These things are keepers, I have a feeling they'll be around for a while.

Automobiles - despite high gas prices and depressed sales numbers from GM and Ford, the automobile is still the top dog mode of transportation. What are you going to do take the train? The bus? Listen, I've taken the 216 within the last six months. It takes a special person to do this on a regular basis. You have to do a lot of soul searching. Plus buses and trains don't have amenities like cup holders, glove compartments and moon roofs. Those are the reasons you pretty much need a car.

Bud Light - don't let the recent acquisition by Inbev fool you. Bud Lights still taste the same. They may not be "All American" anymore, but whether you're out doing some casual drinking at a holiday barbecue, or getting ripped during the Tuesday night dart league, Bud Lights are the way to go.

Comeback Potential - these are the guys who have had one or two years of lackluster performances...but don't count them out. Worth a shot in the late rounds.

Britney Spears - at one point, she was the hottest chick in the history of females. I'm just saying, if she can get back to 40% of what she had, it's like 85% better than 50% of the hot chicks out there. When you lay it out like that, it's pretty much cut and dry.

Ninjas - let me ask you this, when was the last time you saw a Ninja? I know their trained at making themselves invisible, but they are out there. And you can't be the world's ultimate fighting machine without getting some ink. These guys are long overdue. I'm thinking were going to see a new network television drama about Ninjas this fall. We're talking 90210/OC potential here.

Hoffy Golf Team - the last two years have been miserable, but we've got the full roster back, and we've added the Bossman. If Miele and Campbell can keep their shit together and continue to play lights out, the Hoffy has a chance. Although, they'll still be a HUGE underdog, it should be a lot closer in 2008.

Bowling - the Hoffy Bowling League is single handedly putting Candlepin bowling back on the map. Will it reach peak levels we saw back in the 80's when Don Gillis hosted Channel 5's "Candlepin Bowling" show??? Stay tuned.

Lost a Step - they used to be the cock of the walk, making gold records, but injury and age have really hindered their performance. Grab these guys late for insurance purposes or trade bait.

Reality TV - it has to end. Soon.

Flavored Water - listen if you want to taste something with flavor get a Moutain Dew or Dr. Pepper. Oh, what's that, you need to quench a thirst, grab a friggin Gatorade. It has electrolytes. God forbid you'd have to drink regular water. Suck it up.

Sneakers - have you seen what's on the shelves at Foot Locker these days? It's kinda crazy, but sometimes it might take you 5-10 minutes before you can even find the regular sneakers. Sure there are plenty of Hip Hop High Tops, half shoe/half sandals, and metrosexual track shoes, but the good old running sneaker is pretty much a dinosaur these days. The funny thing is that of the sneakers you do see, there's always a Nike Cortez or Adidas shell toe in there.

Busts - stay away from these guys entirely. These guys shouldn't see their names on the draftboard.

The New York Yankees - trailing the AL by double digits in August. Normally I'd say, no sweat, they'll make their run. But this team has 0 pitching. I still like them better than the D-Rays though. Hank and Hal should be making waves in the NY Post any day now.

Clark Rockefeller - seriously buddy, the jokes over. Let this be a lesson to 5-10 year olds all over the world, "I don't know" is not a valid excuse. This guy is too much. The I don't remember thing is great. Not only does he say it, but he tries to be intellectual about it. "I'm not sure why I don't remember, and I don't really care why I don't remember, but the fact is, I don't recall anything about the parts of my life that I may or may not have performed illegal acts. You wouldn't understand, that's just how my superior brain works."

Icebergs- the one positive thing about global warming that is completely overlooked is the last time we had a major ship sink due to an Iceberg was the Titanic in 1912.

Flannys 8 Morrell Club 7

Flanagoons took Game 1, 8-7, scoring 1 run in the bottom of the 8th to take the 1-0 lead in the series.

Classic Flanny's Highlights:

*Flanny's Pitcher complained about me not being in the batters box. I have two problems with this A. I've played in the league 12 years or so, and have never been called for this.
B. To be entirely accurate here, there is no box delineated on the field.

*The same Flanny's Pitcher actually swung and missed to strike out. The entire field erupted and Kelso told him to "sit the F down". The Flanny's team then took issue with this and said we had "no class". If the guy wasn't such an ass, complaining about strikes and the batters box, do you think people would've been so hard on him? Probably.

*The superstar kid hit one of the Manets on a deep drive. I think it was a check swing.

*Junior started bitching out his players when we took the lead. Classic.

*Junior did not sniff the playing field in a close game.

*Junior threw his "book" against the fence and cheered like the Pats won the Superbowl when they scored their winning run.

Stay tuned for more classic Flanny's.

Championship

Not a member of the Morrell Club

The Morrell Club, the #5 seed, squeaked past #4 seed S6, 2-1 in the first round, then beat the #1 seed Chefs, 3-1, to advance to the Championship Series against Flanagoons in Softball.

YIPPPEEEEEE!!!!! Is there a slaughter rule in the Championship?

If we win, I will officially retire from softball....and I'm not talking Brett Favre retirement, I'm talking legit, see you later, I'm busy gardening or going to Bingo(or Beano, as the old-timers call it).

Knights of the Round Table

Kudos to the US Olympic Committee for choosing to go with Ralph Lauren as the designer of Team USA's closing ceremony oufits. I couldn't think of a better guy to reshape the world's current image of the typical egocentric, shallow, materialistic American.

Yep, polo shirts/shorts with huge Polo logo's will do it. Sure, make the polo guy BIGGER than the Olympic Logo, we're the show here, not the other athletes or the games. Yep, roger that, I said put a logo on the shorts too.

Why did they stop there? The athletes should've come walking in eating McDonalds and listening to their iPods as the ceremony took place.

Look at these fine American athletes. The epitome of grace and class.

"YEAH WHOOOOO. WE RULE! SUCK ON MY GOLD BABY!!!!!". Looks like a bunch of spoiled sorority sisters heading down to the Vineyard for the weekend.

They should've worn Knight's of the Round Table, and Wranglers instead. Something a little less uppity. By the way, i think the Terror Alert just went up to code Orange.

Ayyyyyyyyyyyy!

What city has the better bronz statue of a fictitious character?

PHILLY

MILWAUKEE

Personally, I'd go with Fonzie. I'm a huge fan of the thumbs up move. The double thumbs up is borderline pretentious, but it isn't nearly as cocky as the hands raised in the air. Plus what's up with Rocky's left knee cap, the thing looks swollen. No wonder why he couldn't get around the ring against quicker fighters like Apollo. In addition, I bet that Fonz statue gets some serious tail.

London 2012

This should be an Olympic Event in 2012, Synchronized Shotgunning.

And in the Gold Medal Match, from the USA, Rob Kane and Matt McGowan vs. John Gray and Mark Nutley, from the USA.


"Okay, it's a clean start from both sides. Both teams really in synch here. Notice the difference in start techniques though, Kane/McGowan really crouch down and attack the can, while Graydo/Nutley get high and let gravity take over. Both teams are really cruising into the final turn here..."


"OH NO! Mark Nutley has pulled up short! Look as team Kane/McGowan absolutely stick the landing! There gonna receive some 10's for that performance. Absolutely graceful. And what is going through Nutley's head right now. He was about 1 sip away from gold and this happens. He's gonna have a long 4 years to think about this one."

Today's Famous Birthdays

The Gambler, Kenny Rogers

Wilt the Stilt

The Fastest Man on Earth, Usain Bolt

And of course, T. Fratt


Happy Birthday to All!

Spitz vs. Phelps

As far as I'm concerned, Michael Phelps couldn't wear Mark Spitz' speedos. Sure Phelps beat Spitz long standing record of 7 golds, but look at how much swimming has changed since then. A lot of people credit the new swimsuits that Phelps and these current swimmers are using. I hear a rumor that Speedo bought the technology off of Aquaman. I agree the suits have something to do with aiding todays swimmers, but the real reason they're swimming a lot faster these days is facial hair.

Spitz was doing his thing back in the 70's when big, shaggy hair was the thing(kinda like Matt McGowans current coif). Sure today's swimmers probably have long hair, but the big difference is that they wear caps. Spitz did not. Secondly, Spitz is rocking a Magnum style stache. Think of the drag on thing. Plus Spitz didn't even wear goggles which I'm sure would've matted down his unibrow. Less exposed facial hair = faster swimming times, it's just common sense.

Check out Spitz when he's out of the pool:


Geeeez...the pillow head, the stache, he's rocking like 7 or 8 pounds of hair. Not very streamline. And the medals. Don't forget OG(over gold) was a big thing back then. I bet Spitz was such a gold junkie he wore them while he swam. After his sixth gold, the must've started weighing him down.

All I'm saying is if you put Spitz, sans the stache and the gold, wearing a cap and goggles in the same pool as Phelps and his fancy pants suit, its a no contest. Spitz literally blows Phelps out of the water.

Nutley was here

Kid was an absolute buzzsaw. 3-0 on the weekend. Left behind a wake of crushed psyches.

I HAVE A VERY IMPORTANTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!!!

Ladies and Gentleman......Hall of Famer Robbie Kane.

Bud Fox

Is it me or did Sean use to look like Charlie Sheen's character from Wall Street?

Burger

Bud

July Player of the Month

Kyle Robertson, of Quincy, was named the Morrell Club Player of the Month for July. Robertson who plays third base, made a couple of plays and had a couple of hits. But the real reason he received the award was because of his dedication.

One game day in July he was up to his usual routine of waking up at 2pm, then hitting McDonalds, and going back home for a quick nap. But then he decided to go to the gym to get a good pump going before the game. After twenty minutes of curls and cardio(in the mens bathroom), he came out to the parking lot to discover his car had a flat. After about an hour of attempting to change his tire, he finally gave up....but not on the game. He grabbed his famous duffle bag and jumped on the 216 down to Labrecque, and made the game with plenty of time to spare.

During the game, Kyle made one put out in the top of the first and immediately took himself out between innings. Most men wouldn't have made it to the park. Congratulation Kyle, the Player of the Month.

J-E-T-S!

I'd like to give props to the NY Jets for ending this miserable Brett Favre saga. Seriously, it's been front page news on every sports site for the past week and a half. SI even has a "Favre Tracker", no joke. Don't get me wrong he's a Hall of Famer and everything, but he's no Tom Brady. Favre played last year, he's going to play this year, it's not that big a deal.

Michael Jordan first retirement was a big deal because:
A. he was going to try to play professional baseball
B. he was the King of Basketball who retired after winning his 3rd consecutive championship. Then he came back, and won three more.

Favre hasn't won since 1997 against some chumps from New England. Talk about resting on your laurels. That shit is old news. I won a Quincy Rec Wiffle Ball championship in 1985, but you don't hear a peep from me about it.

In fact, this situation smells more like Roger Clemens than anything else. Between the two of them, they've "retired" at least a dozen times.

A big difference between Clemens and Favre is that every time Brett threatened to "retire", he came back to the Packers. Clemens "retired" and found himself on a new roster each time. Plus Favre isn't as much a money grubbing scumbag.

Brett, your gunslinging approach to the position is unparalleled. Your a Superbowl Champ and a Hall of Famer. But, the Joke's over son....you can go home now.

The Patriots outscored the JETS 58-24 this year. By doing the world a favor and putting a temporary Band Aid on the Favre situation(because he'll be at it again next year), I hope they only beat them by 30 this year.

3 down, 159 to go

This recent road trip to Chicago really has made me appreciate our boys in the MLB. If someone were keeping score, our recent 3 night stay would've read Chicago 3, Quincy 0. We hung around and made it interesting for a while, but in the end we were out gunned. Too much firepower in the Chicago lineup.

Since returning back to Quincy, I've been a mess. I can't seem to get back to Quincy time. I'm tired when I get home from work, but can't go to sleep until after 11:00pm. Maybe it's the Bud Light slowly flushing out of my system. Or maybe just the depressing weather that chased us back from Chicago. I'm not sure.

We had a softball game on Tuesday. Thought I'd be fine for it. But it didn't go so well. I could barely hit the ball out of the infield. I was breathing heavy when trotting to/from left field in between innings. I heard an orchestra of snaps, crackles and pops the first time I made a throw from the field. It was wasn't good.

The first time I ate a home cooked meal, my system went into shock. I quickly grabbed the Men's Health that accompanied me out to Chicago and headed to my "office" to read it for the third time. And right now I have a sore throat, possibly caused by the gallons of alcohol that poured down it. Think of the Geronimo slide at Water Country, only my throat is the slide and instead of water, it's beer.

As bad as my physical condition is, my financial condition is worse. I have zero money and tons of bills. My car showed "O" miles left in the tank, with the needle below E. I put in my last $20 so I could get to work. It's gonna take some tricky accounting to make it to the next paycheck.

To recap, after a 3 night stay in Chicago my car, my bank account, and my body are literally running on fumes. There are 162 games in a baseball season. As much as it was a childhood dream, I'm very glad that I am not a professional baseball player.

Images from Chicago

Millers pre-game caricature at Murphys. Easily the best $5 spent all weekend. The sketch will hang at the Hoffy.

Not something you'd see in Boston.

Vertigo on the 96th floor.

Wrigley has Ivy & Tallboys.

Ribeye & Doube Baked from Gibsons....mmmmmm.

And the best for last.....BAY!!!!!!!!!!!