Napology 101

Just saw this on Boston.com:

Tracey Hayse (center) came to a sleep class at MIT wrapped in a blanket Friday. She and classmates do relaxation exercises.

Wellesley College spreads the message by throwing dorm pajama parties with tea and popcorn. Tufts University passes out sleep masks, ear plugs, and a CD of relaxation tracks. Bentley College holds a weeklong contest called the Biggest Snoozer, and gives away memory foam pillows and white noise machines to students who log the most hours of shut-eye. And Massachusetts Institute of Technology has enlisted the help of far-flung parents, alerting them to watch for warning signs such as e-mails sent at 4 a.m.

Okay, there's a lot of material for this story, where to begin.

"Sleep" classes in college? Are you shitting me? What kind of moron needs to learn how to sleep? Oh my bad, those eggheads from MIT and Tufts. Sure they can crank out research papers on nuclear physics or mechanical engineering, but they need to take a class on how to pass out on the couch at 3 in the afternoon. The funny thing is that they probably sleep in their regular classes and still get A's, but are probably just average students in their "sleep" classes.

If they had that back in my day, I would've graduated Magna Cum Laude. I used to go to one class at around 10am, hit lunch, then take a nap, and set my alarm so I could watch Days of Our Lives at 2pm. I learned more from Steve "Patch" Johnson and Victor Kiriakis than any Professor at UMass.

And can you image say Boofa or Burger(if you don't know these people, imagine the loudest snorers you know. the kind you see on cartoons when they blow the shades in and out of the window) attending one of these classes? Those jerks would be acing the class, while the poor bastards sitting next to them would be wide awake.

And sleep contests??? Isn't there some sort of conflict of interest there? "Yes!!!! I won the sleep contest this week!!! I slept for 114 hours. I went to one class all week and only ate like 4 meals!!!! But it was all worth it. I won this brand new white-noise machine! Check it out, it sounds like the ocean." I'd like to see the kids report card for that semester.

And finally the parents who pay $50,000/year for their kids "higher learning". I used to take those 1 credit, basketball, basket weaving, etc. classes. And man, you should've seen the looks I got from my parents when they saw them on the old report card.

"What class is VLYBL ?"
"Ahhh...ma, that's Volleyball."
"Ah ha. And it's a real class?"
"Oh yeah, and look I got a B. I'm thinking of trying out for the team next year. There's good money in Volleyball these days, it's an up and coming sport!"
"Ah ha."

I'm gonna start looking into grad schools.

Get that Sh*t out of here!

Greg Ostertag is the $700 billion bailout plan.
Shawn Bradley is the House of Representatives.

The Dow was down over 700 points at one point today.

Hoffy Wins War!!! Kano loses Battle!!!

Team Hofbrau took down their archrival, the Twelve Bens, in the 8th annual Hoffy-Bens Golf Tournament. Twelve Bens was looking to go for a "3-Pete", by winning a record third consecutive tournament, however the Hoffy put a damper on their plans. Going into the last 4 matches of the day, the Bens was up by 4 strokes. But strong performances by Boofa Clifford and Bobbo Stanton, who earned his first career win, tilted the scale in the Hoffy's favor, and an eventual 17 stroke win. With the win the all time series stands all square: Hoffy 4, Bens 4.


The rain was a factor all day, stopping play midway through the round. After play resumed there were intermittent downpours of rain and double bogeys, pushing many scores over the century mark. One of those unlucky golfers was Pete Quinn. Pete shot a 112 and deservedly won the Toilet Bowl, which goes to the losing teams most disappointing golfer.

In following the tournament custom, both teams celebrated back at the Hoffy. They joined a Bachelorette party and a Birthday party for some cheddar goldfish and finger sandwiches to commemorate each event.

And Kano got kicked in the face when someone tried to do the worm on the dance floor.

I'm a PC

This marketing tennis match between Bill Gates and Steve Jobs is fantastic. First, Apple came out with their very successful, Mac vs. PC campaign. You know the ads, two guys standing in front of a white backdrop. Totally exposed for what they are. The PC is an uptight, chubby nerd with glasses and a suit. The Mac dude is totally laid back and cool. Mr. Mac usually wears a hooded sweatshirt, jeans and a pair of VANS. Although he doesn't appear to be an intellectual, the Mac guy is much smarter than the PC guy, which is clearly demonstrated when the two converse.


The ads are clever and funny. Clearly Apple is trying to highlight the dichotomy of not only the two products, but the users themselves. PC's are for dorks crunching numbers on Excel while Mac's are for hipsters designing graphics for just about everything we see in this world. Two different worlds on the opposite end of the spectrum. Let's use two bloggers two represent the two sides:
Matt F. is mutual fund accountant and wears a shirt and tie to work everyday. He does crosswords, plays Sudoku and listens to Dave Matthews and U2. He blogs about current headlines and posts funny pictures to accommodate very short, mildly entertaining comments. Most of his posts make some sort of reference or comparison to pop culture from the 80's or 90's.

Matt M. works for an ad agency. He wears Ms. Pac Man shirts and Vans to work and has long hair. He likes to snowboard, and knows how to surf. He listens to the Killers and the Clash. He posts very long, detailed descriptions of personal experiences in a very interesting and entertaining way. Most of his posts reference instances of people, himself in most cases, making asses of themselves.

So these are the stereotypes the Apple people will have you believe. But now the Microsoft and the PC have responded. Here is a look at the new Microsoft commercial. Basically they are trying to dispel the image created by Apple that all PC users are business dorks dressed in monkey suits, working in cubicles.



Well hold a sec now. Apparently PC's are not the fat nerd you see in those Mac commercials. They're astronauts and shark hunters. They're farmers and graffiti artists. They're people who wear headbands and look like weird Al Yankovich.


So now everything seems hazy, the lines between the two have been blurred. Now we found out that Matt F. does own a guitar and can play two or three cords. Matt M. owns a Jetta(turquoise). Matt F. drinks Mountain Dew and likes McNuggets. Matt M. ONLY drinks Starbucks and loves to eat really, really, rare Rib eye steaks.

Hmmmmmm.....now I'm very confused. At first it was a slam dunk, but now I'm not so sure if there is a difference between a PC and a Mac, or their users. Is it possible that they are actually similar? Let's see, both Matt's play golf. Both drink domestic Light beer. Both wear hats sometimes. They're both 30-ish. Wow, what's that? Four things in common! So maybe they are not so different.

The bottom line is that whether you're a PC or a Mac, you should try and play nice with others. You shouldn't feel like you've been typecast to a particular role. Just be yourself, whatever that may be. Me, I'm totally a PC(the Mac version). And the Patriots may or may not make the playoffs. And the economy is really struggling.

Clincher

Anyone catch last night's game? NESN has a segment called the "musical montage recap" or something like that. It happens during the middle of the game and shows the game highlights with a catchy tune in the background. Last night, those clever little buggers over at NESN chose "Wrap it Up" by the Fabulous Thunderbirds to signify the playoff clincher. Since the segment is only like 15 seconds long, I decided to check out the whole thing.

The video is pure genius.

"I've been watching you for days now baby..."

Casper

This is Vernon Gholston. He is the prized rookie linebacker of the NY Jets. He was selected as the #6 pick in this years NFL draft. Everybody in the NFL is in awe of his pyshical stature, his freakish strength and his amazing speed. Take one look at him, and you don't have to wonder. This guy LOOKS like a stud football linebacker, no doubt.

EXHIBIT A
EXHIBIT B
In last night's Monday Night Football game, the THIRD start of his professional career, Gholston recorded his FIRST tackle. Congratulations Vernon.

Yet another example that A. bigger, faster, and stronger doesn't necessarily translate onto the football field, and B. the Jets are horrible at evaluating and picking NFL talent.

Vernon should just quit football and become the spokesperson for those Under Armour tight, stretchy shirts.

P.S. Jerod Mayo, the 10th player selected in the draft, has exactly 24 more takles than Gholston.

Scared Straight

I recently played golf with a friend of mine(who shall remain nameless) who was battling a case of the gout. The infamous big-toe variety. He sucked it up enough to take a few shots and putted the entire tournament. He actually made most of our birdie putts, the last few without wearing a shoe. The cold dew on the grass seemed to provide some relief to the swollen big toe. I think I saw steam coming from his foot. Regardless, it was clear that he was in pain.


Not having any first hand knowledge of this mysterious gout, I asked a few questions here and there. What does it feel like? How do you get it? That kind of thing. So here is what I found out.

• It feels like you have frost-bite, poison ivy, and a 3rd degree burn all in one.
  
• The disease has something to do with crystals. Whenever I hear the word crystals, I think of Folgers. That's the sign of a good marketing campaign. Where was I, yes, it's a buildup of crystals that causes the infected area to swell.
  
• It's hereditary.
  
• It's brought on by a poor diet.
  
• Cherry juice is a home rememdy that doesn't really work.
• May or may not have something to do with gaining weight

I started wondering about my chances of getting it. Having seen the pain the disease inflicts, I was concerned. As far as I know, none of my family members have ever had it, although, I don't talk to them that much because they live too far away(like a quarter mile). I have been gaining weight recently, but my diet was ok. I hadn't been to a fast food joint in a while(a month or so). I should be fine. I haven't had it in 35 years, why would I get it now. Just monitor my weight and try and eat healthy, that couldn't hurt.

So the next morning, I was feeling a little hungry. The golf tournament from the previous day got over around 2pm. I ate a healthy portion of buffalo chicken, chicken broccoli & ziti, and meatballs but was done before 3pm. Kind of a late lunch/early dinner(Now that I think of it, the hotdog at the turn was technically lunch). Later that evening, I polished off some of those fresh tortellini packages. All you have to do is boil them for like 8 minutes and your done. It was a good nightcap, but still the next morning I was hungry. So I woke up and made my self some home fries, then dumped some scrambled eggs on top of them. The old "fries & eggs" family recipe. This was around 10am.

Then around 1pm, the Pats were about to kick off. I was hungry again. Maybe it was pre-game jitters. I soothed my nerves with a can of Spaghetti-O's and a bag of Smartfood. I washed it down with some Mountain Dew and Zesty Dill pickles.

By 4pm, I was starving. On my way home, I stopped in at McDonald's. I'll take a 10-piece McNugget please. That's a #10 for those of you scoring at home.



I was absolutely famished by 9pm. Just dying. I was taking down snacks left and right, but nothing was holding. So I decided to go with a Mama Celeste Meatball pizza. It hit the spot. An absolute homerun.

The next morning I did a quick inventory on my diet. It was like I was hung over and bits and pieces of the previous night keep flashing in my head. Did I do that???? Oh no! I was embarrassed. Stepping on the scale confirmed my fears. Not good. Exactly ONE day after I was scared straight, I fell off the wagon and ate like a 12 year old with no parental supervision. I was McCauley Caulkin in Home Alone.


Way to go dickhead. I'm just glad it was the gout and not something like erectile dysfunction or irritable bowel syndrome.

Chocolate & Peanut Butter

Some things were just made for each other. Here are two more for the list:
The world's longest female legs & the shortest man in the world. Svetlana Pankratova, from Russia is 6 foot 7, with 4-foot-4 legs.

So basically if Kano put her pants on, you'd see a little bit of his hair sticking out over the belt buckle.

Dow +335

With a little over a half an hour left to go in today's trading session, the Dow has proven the "Dead Cat Bounce" theory wrong by adding another 335 points to yesterdays 400 point gain. If yesterday was a supposed "Dead Cat Bounce", then today can only be called one thing: A Stray Cat Strut. I expect to see it used properly in textbooks at Harvard Business School.



Wow....this 3rd quarter really has been a doozy....right Matt?

It's OVER!

Time to break out the bubbly!!!!! The USA just went doormie in one of the Friday morning alternate shots matches.

USA! USA! USA!

More bounce to the ounce

Dead cat bounce

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

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A dead cat bounce is a term used by traders in the finance industry to describe a pattern wherein a spectacular decline in the price of a stock is immediately followed by a moderate and temporary rise before resuming its downward movement, with the connotation that the rise was not an indication of improving circumstances in the fundamentals of the stock. It is derived from the notion that "even a dead cat will bounce if it falls from a great height".

Hey, all I'm saying is the DOW was up 400 points today.

Nice Snatch

Apparently this is like the best catch in the history of catching things. It's pretty good. It would've been better if he somehow managed to stay on his feet, then steamrolled the safety, then dunked the ball through the uprights, but again, it was pretty good.

More Bob Barker

The lady bidding is the housing market. Clearly she's only gonna pay $22 for a spice rack that's on the MLS for $45.

That seller had a lot of balls.

The Right Stuff

This is one of the earliest known photos of karaoke. The photo features 8 men, mostly from Quincy, performing the New Kids on the Block's "Right Stuff". Some claim the image to be a fake, however extensive carbon-dating tests prove that the picture was taken circa 1988. There are other clues that verify it's authenticity. Click on the image to get a more detailed view.

• Tons of jean shorts. They were huge back then. Way ahead of Stone Cold Steve Austin.
• The pseudo-mullet. Burger(in the green/blue striped shirt) is really teetering on the edge of pseudo-mullet and bona fide mullet. I'd say another half inch on the back, and it's the real deal. Also notice, what appears to be the dome of Kyle, just to the right of the guy in the blue shirt. The back of his hair comes down a solid three inches below the ear. Let's just say you'd be hard pressed to tell the difference between Kyle and Dally(Swayze from the Outsiders) back in the day.
• Keith is partying with a Rolling Rock can. I'm pretty sure those were big back in the late 80's. Then came Labatt's Blue. Then came Red Dog. After that, the novelty beer fad kinda fizzled. Also, Keith is also sporting a Kansas City Chiefs hat. The last time they were any good was the late 80's, when they had Christian Okoye and Barry Word. Keith is a well known wagon jumper, so this would support the late 80's theory.
• Jimmy D. worked as an Ice cream man in the summer of 1988. My theory is that it was a hot day(which you can conclude from all of the sweat) and Jimmy just met those guys after combing the streets of Adams Shore in his ice cream truck.

Another thing I noticed is the variety of alcohol. Talk about 25 guys, 25 cabs. I'm seeing a Rolling Rock, Bud Lite, possibly a Michelob, what one can assume to be keg beer in Burgers yellow Solo cup, and a rum and coke. There's no doubt in my mind that Swayze in the back is holding a Miler Lite. That tells me these guys were young, scraping up whatever they could get from the refrigerator/liquor cabinet at home.

All signs point to this being the first recorded Karaoke event in the city of Quincy.

Ben Bernanke = Bob Barker

Breaking News from CNN: The Federal Reserve keeps key short-term interest rate unchanged at 2% despite investor hopes for a cut.


In layman's terms, imagine the stock market being a contestant on the Price is Right. Basically the Fed's announcement was the equivalent of this sound:



I don't think we'll be making it to the Showcase Showdown.

Geek to Sheik

Yep, the Pats beat the Jets, 19-10, business as usual. Matt Cassel stepped in to win his first start against the legendary Brett Favre. Cassel was adequate, didn't kill us, didn't win it. It was a pretty conservative offensive game plan for the most part. Lots of dinks and dunks, lots of running up the gut. The defense played well, but not as much as Favre played bad. He's pretty much the most overrated guy in sports right now.


So those were my basic observations. Typical observations from a Sunday hero, armchair quarterback who has watched a good amount of football. But yesterday I got a glimpse of what being a Patriot fan is all about on the opposite side of the gender tree.

The game was cutting into commercial after the Patriots called timeout. Cassel was walking over to the sidelines with his helmet off. I heard "Wow, who would've believed that the Patriots have two gorgeous QB's!". And there it is. Bam! For the ladies with the pink Brady jerseys, that's what football is all about.

I asked if she thought he was good looking when he was sitting on the bench, and she replied that she had never seen him before. I would contest that she has seen him before, but she's never paid attention to him. She was too busy drooling over Tom Brady to notice the bozo on the sidelines holding the clipboard, wearing the hooded jacket and hand warmers. Oh wait, he's starting now, lemme take a good look at this young buck.....oooohhhhh he's a cutie!!!!!!!

Listen, I've seen it a thousand times. It's the classic Ronald Miller scam. It happened when Johnny Mox took over for Lance Harbor in Varsity Blues. It's boom, you're starting, and all of a sudden chicks are lathering themselves up in whipped cream for you. It even happened to Teen Wolf after he dropped like 80 points on his arch rival. The busty blonde dropped her hunky boyfriend for the Wolf, a hairy caveman looking dude. Of course Teen Wolf saw right through her and stayed loyal to his true, yet less attractive love, Boof, but that's a different story. The point is the blonde chick wanted Teen Wolf bad.


The moral of the story is be good at sports, it improves your looks by approximately 200-400%.

P.S. Here is a preview of the next in line at QB for the Pats, Matt Gutierrez. Soak it in ladies, if he gets some playing time, that mug will grow on you. I'm sure of it.

2008 Hoffy Blog Readers Forum

I just got back from the 1st Annual Hoffy Blog Readers Forum held over at the Borders on Summer Street. It's a chance for me to get to know all of my readers on a more personal level. Despite ever meeting them, we've shared so many, many good stories about one another that I feel like I could pick any of them out of a lineup. It's a deep yet eerie connection that only true bloggers and their readers can understand. The forum also provides an opportunity for the readers to meet each other and discuss some of their favorite blog posts. Here is a candid shot from the event:



All in all, the Forum was a great success, I look forward to seeing you all next year.

Keep truckin

Wolf

This dude is a sex offender. He is 30. Part of his act was to put on makeup and enroll himself as a 7th grader at different Arizona Schools. He was sentenced to 70 years in prison for being a creep and what not.

Just a quick thought, but did anyone check with the DEA on this one? I mean, every school in America has the older looking new guy. Everybody calls him "NARC" and that's it, no harm, no foul.

In my opinion, the guy got greedy, trying to pull of a 7th grader. Throw a sideways Patriots hat with the stickers still on it, and some oversized shorts that hang down low to expose his boxer shorts, and this guy could easily pull off a 9th grader. Although, Andy Dibona looked way older than this guy's mug shot when he was in the 4th grade.

Ike or Mig?

Supposedly, this is a recent photo from Cuba, depicting the effects of Hurricane Ike.


If I didn't know any better, I would've said it was Mig cruisin down by Broad Meadows during Hurricane Gloria.

Pre

FOND DU LAC, Wisconsin (AP) -- Talk about a Big Mac attack! Don Gorske says he has eaten 23,000 of the burgers in 36 years.

Don Gorske says he's skipped eating Big Macs only eight days in 36 years.

The Fond du Lac man said he hit the 23,000 milestone last month, continuing a culinary obsession that began May 17, 1972, and is fed by his obsessive-compulsive disorder.

"I enjoy them every day," said Gorske, 54. "I need two to fill me up."

Gorske has kept every burger receipt in a box. He says he was always fascinated with numbers, and watching McDonald's track its number of customers motivated him to track his own consumption.

Despite a diet some would call unhealthy, Gorske says he keeps himself in good shape. He says he's 6-foot-2 and weighs 185 pounds, and walks as many as 10 miles a day.

He used to order fries every day in the 1980s but began to cut back in the '90s, now eating them about once a month. He eats two Big Macs and two parfaits a day. Gorske has written a book about his experience.

"Sometimes people call me a freak but it doesn't bother me. I just say respect people as they are," he told The Associated Press. "I just want to make sure people understand I'm not going to change."

He can instantly recall the eight days in which he failed to satisfy his craving. One was in 1988, the day his mother died, to respect a request she made.

"I made a promise to her and I always keep my promises," he said. "I also promised her I wouldn't cut my hair and in 20 years I haven't."

He twice failed to attack a Big Mac because of his job. A correctional-institution employee, he said a number of work emergencies kept him on the clock past midnight so he recorded those days as missed days.

Three other times he was traveling and couldn't find a McDonald's. He also went Big Mac-less on Thanksgiving Day 2000, and during a 1982 snowstorm that prevented the local McDonald's franchise from opening.

"That's when I started a habit where I kept them in the freezer," he said. He keeps one or two burgers on hand but increases his inventory to four to five during the winter.

Here is an image I found on the intraweb:


This photo is from July of 2004. If the story above is correct, and he started in 1972, then back in 2004, he was 32 years into this thing. So at that point he was at 20,000 over 32 years, which is a 625 Big Mac/year. If he was at 20,000 in 2004, that means he ate 3000 over the last four years, which is 750/year clip. That's a 20% increase over the last 4 years. That would mean he's stepped up his production by over 2 burgers per week.

Talk about getting after it. This guy has a better kick than Steve PreFontaine!

Toast

I went to Burger's wedding on Saturday night. Jimmy Dennis gave the best man speech, however, he never did the "raise your glass" deal, so we kinda just left our champagne glasses on the table. Later in the evening, some ahole at our table decided to make a toast. Now I was a little tipsy, so I'm not exactly sure how it happened, but someone blurted out a toast to the Patriots. One thing led to another, everybody at Table 21 was chiming in and I'm pretty sure I heard the words "To Tom Brady's Health!"

Bonus Joke:
What do Tom Brady and the NY Yankees have in common?

They're both DONE for the season!!!!

Ha, ha, ha!!! What? To soon?

Only I didn't say Fudge....

This was my knee-jerk(get it, the knee) to Tom Brady's injury yesterday:



10 out of 10 times that type of play occurs, the injury is muy mal. Tom Brady, although as close to Superman as you'll find, was no different.

I think they'll finish at 9-7 now.

QUI...NCY!!!!!

Be there, Saturday Oct. 11th.


http://www.homecomingfortheages.com/


From the looks of the poster, Matt McGowan will be making corn on the cob.

It's not on the website, but I think there is an unofficial pre-tailgate kickoff party at Piney Woods.

20/40 Vision

My eyes were playing tricks on me last night. Sure, I was a little weary after being smoked in Game 4 of the Championship(i think it was like 30-5), and I hadn't eaten dinner yet, but I thought I was fine. Then I started seeing some weird shit on tv.

Weird Thing #1


Did she just? No? Wait, yep, look at that, she did. Personally, I go with the American Crew Forming Cream, or just a Pomade, but saliva is ok, and it's a hell of a lot cheaper.

Weird Thing #2


I had to take my contacts out for this one and switch to my glasses. One view shows the ball about 10 feet foul. The other angle makes it look like it bounces off the foul pole. I'm still confused about this, but I think it has something to do with those damn catwalks. Whenever you see something like this happen in a baseball game, there is a catwalk involved.

Check out this angle:

http://sports.espn.go.com/broadband/video/videopage?categoryId=2378529&brand=null&videoId=3568472&n8pe6c=2


then this one:

http://mlb.mlb.com/media/video.jsp?mid=200809043417683




Weird Thing #3

There is this magician called Criss Angel, who has a show on A&E called Mindfreak. He used to look like this:
But last night, he looked like this:


Who at first glance I thought was this:

Who of course is Randy Macho Man Savage. I couldn't understand why the Macho Man was doing card tricks in Vegas. Then I was looking for the lovely Elizabeth, who was no where to be found. I figured it out after a solid two minutes.

Philosophy 101

If a person makes a post, and nobody ever reads it, is it really considered a Blog? If not, then how should I classify this "blog". How about cyber-diary? Because diaries are supposed to be private, not read by anyone but the writer.

"Sure I'm familiar with the economics of internet porn, I just wrote an entry in my cyber-diary."

I may be on to something here. But then again, posing a philosophical question to an imaginary audience is mind boggling in itself.

Double Kick in the Junk

Kick #1 - We lost AGAIN to Flanny's by one run in extra innings. I think it was like 10-9 or something. We're down 3-0 in the best of seven. Don't let us get to Game 5 though.....

Kick #2 - Draft Night. I got the #6 pick, so I took Marion Barber. He runs wicked hard, but only gets like 3 yards per carry. He's like Earl Campbell, but not nearly as big and tough, or as good. He still racks up huge TD numbers though. So I was feeling good, then it spiraled from there. A Braylon Edwards/Plexiglass back to back and I was officially cooked. EEEEEEeeeeyallllllater!

When does bowling start?

Fantasy Football

I just had the first of my two drafts last night. This is how it went:


I'm the little pussy with the red shirt and the yellow headband. And yes, that is a direct shot of pepper spray to the eyeball.

Draft #2 is tonight!!!!!!! See you in a bit!