You've Got Mud on your Face

Sometimes, something comes along that just has to be shared. This was posted on HotClicks, which was posted on youtube, by some guy who can make fart noises with his hands.



And here is a bonus clip for the ladies:



Please feel free to visit youtube and sift through a wide array of other "covers" such as Stairway to Heaven, Crazy Train and Sweet Child O' Mine.

You don't have to go home...

Okay, another hypothetical situation here:

You work at a nice, cozy little bar called Heaven. Typically you're just a barback, but today the bouncer Peter calls you over. He needs to take a leak and asks you to work the door for a minute. He tells you that the bar is basically running at full capacity, but if anyone shows up, only ONE can come in.

No problem, he'll only be a second, nobody will probably even show....oh no...a cab just pulled up and three loud, drunk a-holes just got out. They are:

Bernie Madoff

A-Rod

Octomom

Who do you let in?

News & Notes

1. Kyle is 40.





2. The man took a beatdown from the fellas over the weekend. UConn, Villanova, Oklahoma...everything we threw up was going in. I'm pretty sure Clemson even won. We were in a zone.....then in the blink of an eye it turned into Sunday, Bloody Sunday. We hitched our wagon to that used car salesman Rick Pitino and we went down in flames. Almost gave everything back. I said almost.




If Rick Pitino walked through the door at the Hofbrau, I would give him a swift boot in the ass and tell him to go to the Manet.

3. I got a haircut at Goodfellas in the square(right next to S6). I highly recommend it. I was chatting with the barber and he said they were looking to expand and get a new place across the street. I said "you should get a liquor license" and chuckled. He then told me, the actually don't need a liquor license if they give beers away "complimentary" and said they would be doing that when they expand. I didn't understand the logic, but told him I could get him a lot of business if he started handing out free Bud Lights with every cut. That's Goodfellas on Hancock Street.

Lucky Strikes

So Shaq tried to show us his bowling skills the other night. I for one was not impressed. He kinda goes side arm and uses his left hand for leverage on his left leg. He does display a nice right leg drag though.

Anyway, from the footage, I'd say Shaq would be around an 87 average in the HBL. The lanes he's using have weak, wobbly pins. The pins in Holbrook don't go down so easily.

"Stand up and Fight!"

Celebrity Look-a-Like

R. Burgandy

B. Dunn

Stay Classy

I'll Flip Ya

March Sadness

March is a great time of year.

The sun sets after dinner. The 10-day forecast starts showing 40's and 50's instead of 20's and 30's. Tax refunds start rolling in. And of course, the NCAA tournament.

The tournament envelopes the nation like the blob. It's everywhere. "Brackets" can be found anywhere from cubicles to wallets to the master bathroom. Television coverage is nonstop. Sorry Nanna, but you're gonna have to put "Days of Our Lives" on hold for a week. Office computer servers slow to a crawl, bogged down with the degenerates from accounting who are logged onto the ESPN.com streamline scores(i'm just guessing on this one).

It's frigging awesome. But it's not all rainbows and candy canes. As with any competition, for every winner, there is a loser. For every Cinderella upset, there's some underachieving favorite who let it's entire school down. And sometimes these young, excitable athletes just don't know how to deal with it. They can't contain themselves and let go. Invariably, if you watch the NCAA tournament, you will see a young man cry.




In fact, I watched a little of the NIT last night. Providence bowed out to Miami. With a few minutes left, the coach from PC took out some seniors so they could take a final curtain call. One of the guys was from Mattapan. The camera followed him off the court and onto the bench, where he grabbed a towel and buried his face in it. When he reemerged, the ESPN camera guy had zoomed right into his grill, so you could really see the tears roll down his cheek. The PC player quickly realized this and tried to pull the "I bit into a pepper" or "My allergies are killing me", but we knew.

So when you're tuning into the "madness" over the next few weeks, be prepared to see some uncomfortable things. But don't feel too bad for these guys, the handsome devil pictured above will make roughly $15 million over the next 3 years.

DNP (did not play)

Anyone bet against the Celtics last night???? I did. They were giving 4.5. Before I sat down, the Celts were up 17-6. WTF!!!! D-Wade, I mean, the Heat weren't going to lose to the Powe-less C's by more than 5, right? That's when the camera panned over to the Heat bench.

D-Wade not playing

At first, I spit my Mountain Dew all over the plasma. Then I was like, wow, who brought Mr. Fancy Pants? Is that a baby blue linen sports jacket? And what's with the tie? Is that some sort of triple-windsor knot? There's no way D-Wade ties that knot by himself. I bet it's a clip-on.


p.s. The C's won by 4.

Two Minute Brother

When looking for the "Chet Blowing Smoke" scene from Weird Science, I stumbled upon this gem. This maybe one of the finest comedy scenes from the 80's(which includes Back to School, Planes Trains & Automobiles, Caddyshack and Real Genius).

This is by far the greatest piece of work that Anthony Michael Hall has ever done. To give you and idea of how good he was here, he almost does a black man better than Eddie Murphy does a white man. Yes, that good.





And here is Mr. Murphy's take on the white man, specifically the Italian white man. There is something very Dwyerish about his performance, I'm not sure what it is though.

Polar Swim

Saw it in 3D at the IMax last night. Gave me the chills....ha, ha!!!!

Bracketology

Hopefully I'm not too late, but I have a few pointers that might help you in this years office pool. I came in 2nd out of like 14 people last year, plus I also won it all back in 1990 when UNLV won it. So clearly I have street cred. Here are five do's and dont's to keep in mind:

1. Ear Muffs. Yeah BABY!!!! Dicky V. is a character. And he knows basketball, but that zany Jim Cramer knows stocks and look at his track record. The point is try to limit your outside influence. The so called "experts" might know more about basketball, but they are no better at predicting the outcomes of games than you or I. There is a lot of "oooh, Seth Davis said good things about that Butler team" and "Digger says North Dakota St. is a sleeper". It's information overload. Kano is a cube next to me on ESPN.com taking advice from some 14 year-old kid who had a couple of winners last year. Listen you can take a dump in a box and mark it "Expert", but I'd just rather fill out my own bracket. Lock yourself in a room and use the force.

2. Don't go West. The last time a team from the West won it was in 1997 when Arizona won it. And they had like 3 pros (Mike Bibby, Michael Dickerson, & Jason Terry) on their team, so it was basically theirs to lose. UCLA got smoked by Florida in the Finals a couple of years ago. But 8 of the last 10 Champions have come from the Big East, the Southeastern Conference or the Atlantic Coast Conference. So in short, 80% of the time, a team from the East wins it every time. Book it.

3. Don't pick Clemson. See Matt McGowan's bracket from last year. Listen, Clemson was piping hot last year, but they were a #5 seed for a reason. The last time a #5 even sniffed the finals was back in 2002 when Indiana lost to #1 Maryland. Other than that it's pretty much been #1-3 seeds winning it. Last year all #1's advanced to the Final Four. Everybody likes to pick a sleeper, you're the cock of the walk. "Princeton over G-Town, Yeah, I had that". Sure it pans out once every 10 years, but every year some jerk store picks Gonzaga, or BC or Clemson, and they're out in the 2nd round. Sorry Matt.

4. For the love of god, make a friggin copy for yourself. Once your eventual Champion is booted, chuck your bracket in the garbage and start checking Spring Training Box scores instead.

5. Pick teams with good players. I know, this one is a toughy, but here is a list of good players. Some teams have several good players. These teams will do better than teams not appearing on this list. The guys in bold didn't make it, they're in the NIT.

Her2009 Naismith Men’s Midseason Candidates
A.J. ABRAMS, TEXAS
Jeff Adrien, Connecticut
DeJuan Blair, Pittsburgh
Trevor Booker, Clemson
Jon Brockman, Washington
Nick Calathes, Florida
Dionte Christmas, Temple
Earl Clark, Jr., Louisville
SHERRON COLLINS, KANSAS
Stephen Curry, Davidson
Devan Downey, South Carolina
BLAKE GRIFFIN, OKLAHOMA
Tyler Hansbrough, North Carolina
Luke Harangody, Notre Dame
James Harden, Arizona State
Gerald Henderson, Duke
Robbie Hummel, Purdue
James Johnson, Wake Forest
Ty Lawson, North Carolina
Eric Maynor, VCU
Jack McClinton, Miami
Jerel McNeal, Marquette
Jodie Meeks, Kentucky
Patrick Mills, Saint Mary’s
Tyrese Rice, Boston College
Kyle Singler, Duke
Jeff Teague, Wake Forest
Hasheem Thabeet, Connecticut
Terrence Williams, Louisville
Sam Young, Pittsburgh

Good luck!

Top of the Morning

Happy St. Patrick's Day to all. I'm 1/8 Irish or something. And damn proud of it. Actually no, no I'm not, but I do enjoy Irish things. Here is a list of my Top 5:

5. Lucky Charms - they are in fact "magically delicious".


4. Irish Spring - funny, this stuff makes you clean as a whistle, yet I've never had the urge to cut into it with a jack knife.



3. Bailey's Irish Cream - some people may have gone with Guiness here, or maybe even Tullamore Dew(usually when you've been overserved at the Hoffy), but there's nothing like a nightcap with Bailey's. If they made a toothpaste with Bailey's Flavor, it would make millions.



2. U2 - yes, they're played out, but that's what happens when you been around for 30 years. The fact is, they've been very good for a very long time. My favorite song might be "Two Hearts" but I also like the intro to "Where the Streets Have No Name". Here is "Numb".




I like it for two reasons. One, it's one of the few songs where the mysterious Edge sings lead. The second is the part when people start poking his face with their index finger reminds me of this scene, which is funny:



1. Kathy Ireland - she was Cindy Crawford after Cindy Crawford but Marissa Miller before Marissa Miller. Also she was a good place kicker. I would argue that this swimsuit cover would've been used as "material" much more than anyone's Wrestle Mania tapes.

Meowwwwwwww!

From our friends at the ABC affiliate in Spokane Washington. Good old KABC:

SPOKANE, Wash. (KABC) -- A creepy mustachioed man in Spokane, Washington is giving new meaning to the term "couch potato."

The story begins when Vicky Mendenhall, and her boyfriend, Chris Lund, bought a couch at the Value Village thrift store.

After they brought it home and put it in their living room, they started hearing meowing.

They were mystified for about 10 days. Every time they started to search for the source of the meowing, it would stop. When they were quiet it would start again. They searched all around their house, and in the crawl space underneath, but they couldn't find anything.

Then on Tuesday, Lund felt something moving while he was sitting on the couch.

"I was sitting here and all the sudden I got kicked," Lund said. "So I grabbed the knife and cut the corner out so I could see what was going on, and sure enough, there was eyeballs and a mustache staring at me."

He pulled out at very weird dude holding a tube of Crest Tartar Control toothpaste. The man had a thin, wispy mustache, but was otherwise in good spirits.

Lund contacted the store where he bought the couch, but they had no information about who donated it, so he took the man to a local bus station and told him to go home.

The unidentified man's girlfriend saw a news story about him and reluctantly showed up to claim him.

Brown Baggin It (I wish)

Today marked the day the current recession hit home. I get to work, and everything is normal. I shoot the shit about some college basketball games, check out CNN.com and make some personal phone calls, all par for the course.

Then I remembered I brought my lunch today. Ooops, left it in my man purse, gotta put it in the fridge before it goes bad. Hmmm...the bag's feeling a little light, let's take a peek:


What the shit is that? Nooooo, that cant be. I need a little further review, let's go under the hood.


Yep, that's what I thought, a PBJ on wheat bread, served in a PetSmart bag. Funny thing is when I took it out of the bag, one half of the sandwich fell out of the ziploc onto the floor. If you look closely you can see the ziploc is not sealed. I think I bought generic Stop & Shop ziplocs. Yellow + Blue do not equal Green on these things.

For the record, I don't have any Pets.

Tale of the Tape

Last night's basketball sextuple overtime game between Syracuse and UConn may not have been the best basketball game ever, but it was legendary.

The final score was 127-117. The game was Boston Red Sox postseason type long. It ended sometime after 1am. It was a total battle of attrition, as 6 or 7 guys fouled out. Syracuse, which has a very short bench, had to put in a walk-on to finish the game. Crazy stuff.

Just before the end of regulation, tied 71-71(I had the over, which was 145.5), some little white dude with some serious tattooage hit a 3 at the buzzer to win the game, then did this:

Act like you've been there

Not so fast my friend. Didn't get it off in time...on to overtime...and another overtime....and another....

This thing was the closest real sporting event I've ever seen to Rocky vs. Apollo Creed (and don't give me that Gatti-Ward bullshit., these are heavyweights were talking here, in Madison Square Garden, prime time)

Syracuse(left) and UConn(right)

In my opinion this one was actually better than Rocky and Apollo. Imagine instead of coming out for another round, Rocky and Apollo just sit as bloody stumps in their respective corners. The mic is lowered and the ring announcer just kind of looks around and shrugs his shoulders. The scene is similar to the Baseball All-Star game a few years back...think of Bud Selig at 1am.. So what do we do here, no ties, do we keep going? All of a sudden, the bell sounds and before you know it Duke and Paulie came out throwing bombs in the center of the ring.

I think you'd agree, Duke would beat the snot out of Paulie, unless Paulie was so banged up, he mistook Duke for a Rocky pinball machine, OR Paulie had a bat.

"You're a Bum!"

For the benefit of the doubt, we'll say Paulie is loaded, but is too loaded to really connect with the bat. Duke dodges, ducks, dives and dodges his way around the ring until the bell sounds. Duke vs. Paulie is a draw. It's now up to Adrian and Creed's wife, Mary Anne to settle this. Listen we all know Adrian is a pacifist. She doesn't like fighting, so you'd think she just curl up into a ball and tap out, but remember, Adrian did work at a pet store. I'm not sure how that helps, but it has to be in her favor. Plus remember when Ivan Drago's wife stared down Mrs. Creed after Drago literally killed Apollo. She totally balked. Mentally weak. You can totally get into her head. Adrian comes out like a crazed chimpanzee, they lock up, pull at each others hair, and it's a stalemate.

So now were on to the 6th and final overtime, the kids. Rocky's son vs. the Creed kids. Rocky's corner is looking very nervous.

Couldn't fight way out of a paper bag

The Creed kids are friggin loving it. They're high fiving each other because they know it's over. One of them looks over and does the throat slit move. Rocky's son immediately pees his pants. Ding ding, and here come the Creeds. Rocky's son is now in the fetal position, sucking his thumb, waiting for the beating, only it never comes. Before the Creeds could lay a finger on his sorry ass, Paulie's robot throws in the towel.

Game Over. Syracuse wins.

"Ain't gonna be no rematch!"
"Don't want one!"

Is this thing on?

HEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOO! (HELLO....HELLO...HELLO echo)

hoffyquincy.blogspot.com

404insufficientfunds.blogspot.com

Down with the King

Quick question, does the NBA test for steroids?

/


Did you guys see the Dominican lose yesterday? Who did they lose to the Dutch? Wait this is the 2nd time the Netherlands beat them? And now they are out of the World Baseball Classic?


Wow...this is like the Miracle on Ice. I can picture coach Goldmember enjoying a smoke and a pancake, then relentlessly hitting fungos at his infield. "Again!"

The Two Utes

Real quick post, but involves a little bit of time. Check out this article from Michael Lewis(who wrote Moneyball) regarding the death of Wall Street. Not too technical, but a bit long. No longer than say a post about Phish, Swedish Flags and First Aid tents.

This thing is loaded with good lines. It breaks down Wall Street for us non-Investment bankers. Good stuff. This Steve Eisman cat sounds like a real prick. A really, really smart prick. Kinda reminds me of Vincent Gambini from my cousin Vinny. He could always break down a magic trick and tell the audience how it was done:

Bill: At my cousin Ruthie's wedding, the groom's brother was that guy Alakazam. You know who I'm talking about?
Stan: The magician with the ponytail?
Bill: Right. Well, he did his act, and every time he made something disappear, Vinny jumped on him. I mean, he nailed him! It was like, "it's in his pocket", or "he's palming it", you know? Or, "there's a mirror under the table." I mean, he was like, he was like, "wait a second, wait a second, it's joined in the middle, and there's a spring around it, it pops it open when it's inside the tube." It was like Alakazam's worst nightmare. Vinny was just being Vinny. He was just being the quintessential Gambini.



After reading this article, it's pretty clear that Wall Street is nothing but a guy with a ponytail doing a magic act in Vegas.

Face Check - UPDATE!!!

****UPDATE****

The warrior Rudy Fernandez is recovering from a bruised chest and hip pointer. I always thought "contusion" sounded more dubious than "bruise". I think they should've gone that route.



This clip proves two things:

1. The Lakers are bush. Getting blown out by 20+ at the end of the third quarter, the oft-accused "soft" Lakers tried to make a statement by taking out some dude on a dunk. If you are accused of being a pussy, you don't try and prove your manhood by picking a fight with a tough guy. I'm pretty sure that happened in Dazed and Confused, and the kid took a major ass kicking. Start at the low end of the totem pole. Rudy Fernandez was an excellent choice.

2. All foreign players are soft. He took a glancing blow to the head and landed on his hip. Maybe he got the wind knocked out of him, but clearly they didn't need to check if he had "feeling in his face".

Hey Rudy, it could've been worse. He probably would've left in a coffin if this happened to him:



If there is ever an instance where a face should be checked for numbness, this was it.

Pain Don't Hurt

So I got my staples out this morning. All I could think of was this clip:



I pretty much nailed the scene, only I didn't wince when she plucked the first staple out. I cried like a baby.

So, Dalton and I do not share the same tolerance for pain. But I got to thinking of a few things we have in common.

First and foremost, the lethal, three-pronged throat ripper move demonstrated here:




The other thing is Dalton's sneaky dual car scheme. For the very few out there not familiar with the movie, Dalton is a bouncer, nay THE bouncer in town. He's so good he actually travels from town to town, cleaning up dives along the way. Now of course, because of his job duties, he makes a few enemies. It's comes with the territory. So Dalton concocts this brilliant scheme to drive this old beat up Buick Riviera to work with him, while he keeps his real car, a nice new Mercedes pictured below, at home. That way if a brick somehow falls through his windshield or a knife lodges itself in one of his tires, he's covered. No harm no foul.


So basically, I've got the same thing going on here, but I do it with shoes. I wear my beaters to work, you know, with all the snow and what not, and wear my nice shoes in the office. It's f'ng brilliant.

Here's a peek at my Buick Riviera:


These poor fellas have been through hell and back. They are real dirt dogs and are meaner than a rattle snake.

And now my Mercedes:



The Johnston & Murphy Sheepskin Loafer. These pretty boys are dirt averse and prefer the fluorescent glow of office lighting rather than direct sunlight. They also get a mani/pedi every Wednesday.


I would encourage everyone out there to take a page from Dalton. Grow a sweet Mullet, learn the art of self-defense, keep your medical records on your person, and wear two sets of shoes. It works.

1.21 Gigawatts

Shaping up to be a nice weekend weather-wise. However, I did hear that we might have a few sprinkles on Sunday afternoon. If so, and youre cooped up inside, try and make your way over to a computer at say exactly 12:50, and check out this link. Let's just say an inconspicuous member of Team Bens, let's call him "Marty", could make an appearance on the 1st Tee webcam.

Remember, the timing here needs to be perfect. Doc Brown was crystal clear in telling Marty when the lightning would strike the clock tower.

Consider me Doc Brown. Precisely 12:50 on Sunday afternoon.

Plaster or Plastic?

A story from CNN.com...



Spanish police arrested a man arriving at Barcelona's airport from Chile after determining that the cast on his fractured left leg was made of cocaine, the Interior Ministry said in a statement Friday.
Police say the leg cast was made out of cocaine.

The 66-year-old Chilean man had an actual fracture of two bones below the knee, but the police suspect that he, or accomplices, may have intentionally fractured it, so that the cocaine cast could be applied.

The plan, police say, was to get past police controls because of the leg cast, meant to elicit sympathy, but also to have a real fracture in case police decided to X-ray it.

Police were scrutinizing passengers arriving on the flight late Wednesday from the Chilean capital, Santiago, when they became suspicious of the man. They quickly discovered cocaine hidden in his luggage, in a six-pack of beer and also in the aluminum legs of two stools he was transporting. Video Watch police uncover large drug haul »

Then they applied a substance to the cast, which showed that it was made of cocaine, the statement said.
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In all, police said they seized 4.8 kilograms (10.5 lb) of cocaine.


Purely hypothetical situation here, but let's say you are a coke smuggler. You have two options to get the goods across the border:

1. The good old fashioned plastic bag up the ass

2. Fractured leg, make a coke cast

Hmmmm, what to do, what to do. As a general rule, I don't like anything up my ass. It's pretty much one of my Ten Commandments. However, I've never broken a bone. I hear they hurt. Plus casts are goofy and are a sign of weakness. As much as this pains me to admit, I'm going #1 here.

Ok let's try another one. Let's say you are a run of the mill coke head. You have two different options of coke:

A. Coke that's been up someone's ass
B. Coke that's been rubbing against some old dudes foot for a week.

This is real tough. On one hand, the ass coke does have a thin layer of plastic protection, so I'm thinking A. Plus have you ever seen what a cast does to a persons skin? But on the other hand, you might get the coke that was on the outside of the cast that didn't really have any direct contact with his skin. Then again the outside of the coke cast does have to contend with exposure to urine and the like.

Again, I have to with A here.

So, I go ass on both counts. Then again, I have always been an ass guy.

Hank & Hal's House

Hot Clicks has a link to some photos of the new Yankee Stadium. All in all, looks pretty cool. State of the art, modern style ballpark with some old school charm. But what I'm really pumped and jacked about is that they partnered with Pepsi. You know what that means. An endless supply of Mountain Dew on tap.

Jeter Sucks, He's Gay!

Nunchucks vs. a 7-iron

Some people might question this video, but take it from me, it's real. I actually played in a similar Ping Pong match against Nutley during last years Cape Cup.

Of course, he was using a 7-iron instead of nunchucks, but that's only because he left his nunchucks at home.

Tastefully Undone

Listen, if you want to do things tastefully, add a little salt & pepper, don't go overboard and ruin your meal by adding a shitload of garlic. That's what Marbury is, a big ass clove of garlic. Danny Ainge has added a big chunk of garlic into the Celtics Championship recipe.



The C's are cooked! Get it? Seriously, how do I continuously come up with hit after hit?

Spring Cleaning

Sorry for the inconvenience, but we are temporarily undergoing our annual spring cleaning, which includes a bone spur in my shoulder joint.




Don't worry, I'll have you guys back in stitches in no time. Well, technically those are staples, but you get my drift.

Stay tuned for my March Madness Special. I probably can't tell you who will win, but I have a pretty good idea who won't.