80's B-Movie of the Week

The Wraith



The Year: 1986

The Cast: Charlie Sheen, Sherilyn Fenn, Cousin Eddie, Richie Cunningham's brother & some dude who kinda looks like Howard Stern. This is an all-star lineup.

The Plot: Punk kids drag for "pinks" in the desert. One of them dies, then comes back to life and starts running people off the road in a souped up Monte Carlo SS.

They clearly ripped the quarry scene off of Breaking Away, but otherwise, this is a great B-movie. I'm almost positive the "Wraith" tried to run me down on Wolly Beach one night when I was coming home from the Emerald Isle. It could've just been Dutchie coming from the Pony Room.

The Not-So-Great One

Many of you know Rob Kane as a former standout three-sport athlete at QHS. He played football, basketball and baseball. After high school, he has branched out into more "leisure" sports such as golf, bowling, and softball. He also recently completed the lengthy construction of his mansion by the sea. But now that the dust has settled, the 34-year old father of two, who bartends at the Hoffy every other Wednesday and also plays in a softball league, has taken on a new project. He's going to take a crack at the one sport he didn't play in high school, no not volleyball, i'm talking hockey.

So, for the last few weeks he's been, ahhh, watching the Stanley Cup playoffs, and decided he was ready. Last night was his first game, and also his first legit attempt at skating. He showed up, suited up, and literally hit the ice.

Here he is in the locker room after the 1st period:



Here he is in the locker room after the 2nd period:



Here he is after an exhausting 3rd period:



And here he is, packing up after a hard day's night:



His line, 0 goals, 0 assists, 0 PIM, 0 +/-, 0 minutes on the ice.


From the looks of the pictures, it looks like the real sport is drinking BL's in a hockey outfit. Next game is tonight....hopefully he sees some ice time.

Iconic

Here's a cute little article that has a slideshow of ideas for a new facebook icon that represents "recently broken up or divorced". I guess the current icon, a broken heart, isn't doing it for facebookers. I have an idea for another icon. This icon means "I'm kinda happily married but am totally willing to flirt with love interests from my past, and would not hesitate to stray from my significant other, given an ideal opportunity." Here's my idea for the icon:

What do you Facebookers think?

Come on Feel the Noise

The Quincy City Council is proposing a new ordinance that would limit noise in residential areas to 65 decibels during the day and 55 decibels at night. The ordinance was directed to curb late night noise in the Marina Bay area which, as many of you know, is home to several popular night clubs.

To give you an idea of what 55 decibels sounds like, take a looksie at this chart:

Ok, so at night in Quincy, in residential areas, you can be louder than raindrops, but slightly quieter than normal conversation.

According to the story, there be a seven member noise committee that would monitor the law.
Does that mean there's going to be a completely separate noise task force? Or will the police be checking the decibel levels? What's next noise narcs?

Imagine you're having a house party and some guy who is a "friend of a friend" and looks like he's 50 hears the latest Eminem tune on the radio. He starts bobbing his head and says "I love this tune...Turn it up!". Right when you hit 6 on the volume dial, the doors are kicked in by the noise task force and they're asking you to slowly let go of the knob.

And another thing, the fine for having a normal conversation(according to the chart) at night in Quincy is $100, which is the same as if you are caught with less than one ounce of pot. Yep, that seems logical.

Kudos Quincy City Council, kudos. I have a good mind to go to each and every council members home and play my boom box at 55 decibels. I'll do it "Say Anything" style, holding it over my head. "In your eyes...."

Yes!

Every time I see Marv Albert doing an NBA game I scan the crowd looking for a sign that says "Hey Marv, Bite Me!"

90's B Movie of the Week

Airborne



The Year: 1993

The Cast: Jack Black and Seth Green are in it.

The Plot: Some surfer kid from California moves to a new town and roller blades down "Devil's Backbone". It's Weird Science combined with Karate Kid combined with Breaking Away.

The Best Part of this clip: Not the fact that the kid is a poor man's Brandon Walsh or that Seth Green looks like Bozo the clown. It's the horrible defense. Rewind that and check out the second defender. What the hell kind of d is that? I mean the kid looked like a statue. He gave zero effort. I see that type of shit on my squad, I call timeout and make a line change. I especially like the circle around "deek" at the end that really confuses two defenders. Gimme a break, you try that crap against Lomo down at Heron Road and you're picking yourself off the pavement.


C'mon I know one of you jerks loved this movie. Overall it's a pretty good B movie, mildly entertaining, a few famous names, but it loses a few points because it doesn't have any recognizable hot girls. And speaking of B movies... to promote the new Will Farrell "Land of the Lost" movie, Sci-Fi Channel is having a "Land of the Lost" marathon next Monday. I can't think of a better way to celebrate Memorial Day than 24 hrs of Chaka.

Big Poppy

I got a haircut the other day. After neatly wrapping a towel around my neck and asking me "so what are we doing today?", the barber excused himself so he could "hit the head". After 5 minutes had passed, I realized he wasn't going in for a garden-variety leak. He was dropping a curveball. Numero dos.

This reminded me of that Hepatitis C scare at a Quizno's in downtown Boston a few years back. They had to shut the whole place down and reopened a few months later. I was astonished to see people so anxious to get back in the doors until one wise diner(Bobbo) enlightened me that after being quarantined, it was probably the cleanest eatery in Boston. Makes good enough sense.

So that gets me back to getting your haircut by a barber who just took the Browns to the Superbowl. Provided he washed his hands, it's probably going to be the cleanest his mitts will be all day long. Right? Please someone agree with me, because I've shampooed my head 12 times over the last 3 days.

Tangelo

I was just in City Sports doing a little browsing. Came across the sandals section and saw a big display of Reef Sandals. I tell you, the guys over at Reef HQ are tough to figure out. They're either very smart or very dumb. They've like a combined a really, really bright idea with a real bad one. It's kinda like one of those weird hybrid fruits, like a tangelo or something that is half tangerine half grapefruit. Sure everybody likes tangerines, but who the f likes grapefruit? I didn't ask who eats grapefruit, I asked who likes grapefruit. That's what I thought.

Tangerine:

The tangerine half, or the good half of the Reef business model are their famous Reef Girls. Unbelievable. Just asses. No faces, just straight up ass models. And I like asses. Especially ones like these:

"They must work out"

And I'm not alone here. What person wouldn't like any one of those asses? A good ass(on a girl) transcends gender, it can be appreciated by both males and females. That's why this marketing ploy has been so successful:

Great Ass + Corporate name = Brand recognition.

The plan is brilliant. The plan is simple. Where can I get me some of those...ah....sandals?

And because these guys have cornered the market on top notch ass, they've got to answer to a higher standard. Every month, they crown a new "Reef Girl of the Month", so they are continually raising the bar. They must have "Ass Scouts" scouring beaches around the world looking for potential candidates for their next catalog.

Grapefruit:

Okay, enough about ass. These guys may have a great marketing campaign but the wheels completely come off from there. They sell sandals. All different kinds. Dressy kinds. Sporty kinds. Toe-wedgies. The whole bit. But one thing they have in common(at least many of the ones that i saw) is the brilliant idea to put a bottle opener on the bottom of the sandal. So you want me to open up a bottle with something I've been walking around in all day? There is just something counter intuitive about that.

Picture the scene: It's the 6th inning at Fenway Park sometime in late July. Your six beers deep and you have to leave your bleacher seat to take a leak. On your way to the trough-like urinal in the Men's Room, you've stomped over peanut shells, Guilden's Spicy Brown, and of course spilled beer. Hours later, you're at your buddies BBQ. The coolers are thinning out and the only thing that's left are a couple of Heinekens, but of course, you don't have a bottle opener. But wait!!!! No problemo. Let me just take off my sandal, drawing unnecessary attention to my disgusting feet and pop everyones top off with the dirty, piss stained bottom of my foot.



Great. Great idea. Thanks Reef guys.

To this point, the taste of Grapefruit has overpowered the Tangerine, as I have yet to buy a pair of Reef Sandals. However, I will say, if I ever make it on an episode of Family Feud and the question is "Name a brand of sandal?", I'm going Reef over....ah...Teva(they were in business in 1995 and I'm assuming they're still kicking around). "Survey SAYS....Ding! The number 1 answer."

So keep at it Reef guys, continue to crank out asses(huh?) and you're just a few minor alterations from becoming the number one sandal maker in the world!!!!

42" or taller

In the wake of the recent Green Line crash, MBTA officials are looking to overhaul their hiring procedures for prospective train operators. Apparently many think that the current age limit of 18 is too low, and if the age were raised to say 25, then this whole tragedy could've been avoided.

Am I missing something here??? We're talking about a train right??? Not to take anything away from my friends who work for the MBTA, but I'm thinking a train isn't like flying a jet, or even a motor vehicle for that matter. I mean you basically have start and stop right? It's on f'ing rails. There's no steering!



Remember back in the day when you wanted to go on the go-kart ride at an amusement park? Trouble was, you were too short(I was too short until high school), so they stuck you on those lame kiddie go-karts that were on tracks. All you would see is little kids bouncing back and forth, left and right on the tracks, because they were bullshit they couldn't break free from those stupid rails. Or if you were really small, they'd stick you on a "car" on a track(much like a train) that has a steering wheel that just spins. It has nothing to do with controlling the car, it just spins. That's basically whats going on with train operators, except they're aren't "tall" enough to drive MTBA buses. They can't handle those free wheeling machines that actually have steering.

"Oooooohhhh, you didn't do so well on the bus exam sooooo...whatdya say we put you into a nice cozy shift over on the Blue Line. There's nothing to it!"

In fact I can think of a bunch of different modes of transportation that are harder to operate than a train:

1. F-16
2. PeterBilt, 18 wheeler
3. 1972 Land Rover, manual transmission
4. Skateboard
5. Big Wheel

All of these vehicles have steering, so by my math, they're a notch above a train on the difficulty level scale. And what the hell? You operate the thing in a dark tunnel. Apparently this kid blew like 3 lights. There's nothing else you can see BUT lights, and he ran 3 of them. At least when you are above ground level, you can use the "sun was in my eyes" defense. I'm convinced that this kid was doing a little something more than texting. I'm guessing he was doing something a little more interactive like playing Pin the Tail on the Donkey. There is no way he could've missed the 3 blinking yellow and red lights if he was just texting. Most people I know can drive an SUV, eat a breakfast sandwich, text their buddy who is lost and google directions to the golf course while going 80 m.p.h., East on Rt. 3 at sunrise.

"Exit 2 or Exit 3, I forget"

So to recap, this kid was operating a vehicle that has an accelerator and a brake. He was operating in a pitch black tunnel that uses a bright lighting system to guide the operator along his/her way. He crashed because he was texting. The MBTA is now looking at making requirements to become a train operator more rigid. Maybe they should consult the people from Six Flags, it seems to work for them.

A Belated Happy Mother's Day

CTRL+ALT+DEL

Last week, I sent an email inviting a friend of mine to join the Boy's Club for our weekly "sit down" lunch of some of Boston's finest bar food. You know, your basic Buffalo fingers, burger with fries, and a few laughs as we watch yesterdays sports highlights for the umpteenth time. My friend hadn't joined us in a while, and he had hinted of being a little down in the dumps recently, so I figured he was overdue to grace us with his presence.

A few hours later, I received a surprising response. He was unable to make it because he was on vacation. And it wasn't some kind of lame, heading up to New Hampshire for the weekend, or driving down Rt. 3 on a Friday night to spend 2 days/3 nights in the lavish Dorchester Riviera(Cape Cod). This was a full on, flying down to the Carribean, gonna drink Kalik beer, and possibly get my hair braided(just on one side), getaway. This was the real deal.

I couldn't have been happier for him...and for everybody else around him. Like I said, he, like many of us, had been going through a bit of a rough patch. Overworked. Underpaid. Unruly dog. Poor blog stats. I think he was in a bit of a rut. Or like they say in sports, he was scuffling a bit. In his mind, his life looked a little something like this:



He had a "brain cloud", and he had tripped a few red flags, so I was concerned. I was more concerned for those that dared to be in his proximity. He was like a Hurricane in the middle of the Atlantic. Well offshore, but computer models suggested he'd be inching his way to the coast, and becoming stronger every minute. He was a Category 3 and headed on a path of destruction.

Recent history has shown us that everybody has a boiling point. Stress can make seemingly "normal" people do some f'ed up shit. It's why you see church goers robbing banks, teachers kidnapping children, and Med students killing call girls. Every time you turn on the news, we hear of another poor soul who snapped, kinda like this guy:



That's why it's important for everyone to let off some steam every now and then. Take a trip, go golfing, get a mani/pedi(wait, what?). It's fun and cathartic. It's kinda like when your computer is acting up. What do you do? You hit the reset button(CTRL+ALT+DEL). Reboot the sucker and all the porn that was bogging down your hard drive is completely washed away.

So please, I beg you, do something fun. Everybody owes it to themselves a little "me" time. If you don't, I'll be looking for you on the six o'clock news.

Don't Worry...Be Manny!

"Heeey mayhn, it's me, Manny! I need more of dat stuff you be givin my mayhn Bitch Tits!"

Actually, he should worry!

He'll House You

From CNN.SI-By the time Pierce came back in, Boston was coasting to victory with an 18-point lead and just 7:06 left and a crowd was chanting ''Eddie!'' for the backup whose 20 second-half points were more than he had scored in any playoff game in his career. House, who once scored 31 in a regular-season game but never more than 16 in the playoffs, also goaded Magic guard Rafer Alston into a head slap that led to a double-technical.

''All I did was hit a shot, turn the other way and I got hit upside the head,'' House said. ''I guess he was tired of getting hit upside the head.''

Van Gundy, who coached House in Miami, put the blame on his own team.

''If he gets under guys' skin, it's just because he gets very excited when things are going good,'' he said. ''He's really excited and he's going to let you know he's kicking your butt. There's a lot of guys like that in this game.''

No better way to pay tribute to the Game 2 MVP than a little Jungle Brothers:

And this is what Alston was thinking as Eddie snapped another 3 in his eyeball:

Fun with Photoshop

It's that time again

A little birdie told me that Favre is meeting with the Vikings!

I posted this LAST year!

The only thing I could add this year would be this potential reaction by Adrian Peterson/Viking fans:

Total Consciousness

The Lama was at Gillette Stadium the other day. If Stevie Loud were in attendance, he would've yelled "WAAAAGON!!!!!"

One Look

Things have kinda been dragging as of late. The Craigslist killer has been caught(YEAH QUINCY!), Swine Flu Season has come and gone(hachooooo), and the Insufficient Funds Guy is back from the Carribean with braided hair. So things have kinda hit a bit of a lull. So I figured it would be a good time to work on the baby's first signature look. Here it is:

Stronger than Steel

We call it Blue Titanium because it's actually more powerful than the famous "Blue Steel" look coined by the greatest male model of all-time, Derek Zoolander. Once he drops this on your ass, he's got you where he wants you(although, minutes later, he's literally eating out of your hand).

p.s. as of right now, he can't turn left.....or right