Madoff Math

Bernie Madoff will spend the rest of his life in prison. After defrauding billions of dollars from investors he was sentenced to 150 years behind bars.


So let's say he stole roughly $20 billion. This means that if can somehow live til he's 221 years old, he'll have to earn somewhere around $133,333,333/year to pay back all of his investors. He'd have to do something extraordinary to make that kind of loot. Internet porn? Cure cancer? Or maybe the Yankees will sign him? Thanks folks, I'll be here all week.




***UPDATE****

Holy shnikes, Simon Cowell could pay off Bernie Madoff investors in 139 years.

Black Eyed Perez

This is a great article about Perez Hilton.

It's funny that guy who made a name for himself by ripping celebrities on his blog is now being shunned by his fellow bloggers. This is akin to a blogging coup. Or like in the end of Roadhouse, when the cops show up to ask questions, and everyone goes with the "I didn't see nuthin". The fat guy couldn't see anything because he had a bear on top of him.

This is lesson for all you bloggers out there, keep your goals very low. Have very few readers, make fun of regular people, including yourself and maybe make one or two posts a week. And never, ever make up a stupid name for yourself like Perez Hilton, or El Prez, for that matter. When you start referring yourself in the third person and actually think that YOU are more important than the words you write, then you are really asking for it.

In case you didn't notice, this is the prototype blog.

Another Poll

Again, just a visual aid for the poll:

Poll

If you need some help deciding on the new poll, here you go:

El Gubenador

***UPDATE***

Okay, so apparently, the guy caved. As hypothesized earlier in this post, he was totally getting it on with some Argentinian chick, who may or may not be a prostitute(i made this part up).

***************
Sorry, Just got back from Vay-cay in Buenos Aires with my friend from South Carolina. We both needed to get away from our tough jobs and stressful family life. So we basically just jumped on a plane, left the country and turned off the old Iphones. Yep just completely shut down all communique with loved ones, friends, and co-workers. Had a blast.

Okay just kidding, I didn't do that, but South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford did. When he said he wanted to "do something exotic", did he mean an Argentinian hooker? Insert Ed McMahon(RIP) soundbite:



Seriously though, this guy's got a pretty good gig. Where do you sign up for that life? Stressful job? C'mon the guy probably "works" 20-hours/week. He needed to take time off from the pressures of his office so he decided to leave the country basically unannounced, even to his wife. He doesn't see the big deal, saying "it's not unusual to take such trips". This guy is a friggin Govenor for chrissakes. Who does he think he is, "The Professional Man of Leisure"?

Wait, seriously, how do you become a Govenor?


And speaking of just totally leaving your constituents hanging, has anyone seen or heard from Matt McGowan?

80's B Movie of the Week

Superfuzz.

And for the record, this is a borderline A movie. At the very least a B+. Any movie that has Ernest Borgnine in it has some street cred.

This clip is kinda long, but it's very thorough. It's basically a cliffnotes version of the movie.

Buttercrud's Favorite Drink

Click here for the answer to the poll.

Gorilla Golf

Jitterbug

Congratulations to Wham!, whose song "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" is now the official theme song of the Hoffy Quincy Blogspot. When you think of the Blogspot, think of "The Jitterbug". When you think of the song, think of George Michael, then white t-shirts with political statements in big black letters on the front, then think of the Hoffy Quincy Blogspot.

Whodunnit?

Phil Spector, the record producer and songwriter, was recently sentenced to 19 years in prison for the murder on Lana Clarkson. Apparently the prosecution had a key witness identify Spector as the killer. Here is how it went down:

Prosecution: "Can you identify the person you saw that night with Ms. Clarkson? Is it this man here?"
(shows this picture)


Witness: "No, no, no. Way off. Not even close. This is not the man"


Prosecution: "Okay. So this is not man. I see. What if I told that THIS was in fact the man who was last seen with Ms. Clarkson?"
(prosecution shows this picture)Witness: "Then I'd tell you we're talkin about two different people. I mean, your guy kinda looks like a chick and the hair is all wrong...too clean cut."

Prosecution: "Uh huh. (long pause) So, you're telling me you did not see either of the previous gentlemen?"

Witness: "Yep"

Prosecution: (aside: this is not going well) "Okay. What about this one? Is that the man?"
(shows picture)Witness: "I have to tell you, you're starting to get on the trolley here. This guy definitely resembles the dude I saw. But still, the guy I saw was a lot crazier looking. I'm still saying no, this is not the man."

Prosecution: "Uh huh. Hmmmmm. Ahhhh, we're running out of photos here.....ah, let me just flip through some more photos....hmmmmm....little more crazy....on the right track....oh, here, how bout this one?" (another picture)




Witness: "Oh, oh.....you're really close with this one. The spooky eyes and ghostly face....yes that could definitely be the guy......But, I have to say, I wouldn't be comfortable saying beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this was in fact the guy I saw. Still something wrong. Maybe a little too much hair."


Prosecution: "For Chrissakes. Jesus, I thought I nailed that one. Hold on a sec..."(flips through more photos until he holds this one up) "Is this the-?"




Witness: "Bingo! That's him."

The prosecutors and jury erupt in a mock standing ovation.

Seriously, why did they need two trial to figure this shit out? This guy is clearly insane in the brain.

Good Looks

This is the worst "signature look" I've ever seen. It's safe to say that Jordan's tongue and Magic's smile have nothing to worry about. There are a ton of signature looks that are more imposing than Kobe's stupid chimpmunk-looking scary face. Here are the five most intimidating "looks" I've seen in recent years:


1. Tom Brady - this Brady is an absolute pussy. I'd have no problem going toe-to-toe with him in any sport on the planet.


This is the Brady that sends a chill down my spine. The one wearing the football helmet. All you can see is his beady eyes as he's thinking of ways to shred you to pieces.

If we were matched up against each other in a Ping Pong match and Brady started pointing and yelling "Omaha! Omaha!" I think I'd shit myself.

2. Jonathan Papelbon - let's just face it, any object coming in your direction at 100mph is a little unsettling. And when the face of the crazy bastard who's controlling said object looks like this, alarm bells should start going off. Dodge, Duck, Dip, Dive and Dodge.

3. Jon Gruden - now when you're looking for a classic scowl, look no further than this guy. Seriously, somebody needs to send Kobe some tapes of Gruden when he was in Tampa. That's how you f'ng do it. I'm pretty sure Gruden's face is permanently stuck like that after Warren Sapp slapped him on the back when he was mid-scowl(Everbody knows from the movie, One Crazy Summer, that if you make a weird face and someone slaps you on the back, your face is frozen like that).

4. Chong Li -
the eyes wide open move has always been a classic. It basically means that you're nuts. When you add the sinister point, it's pretty much lights out. I could see Mr. Li using that move every time he calls someone in Texas Hold 'Em. Even if you were wearing polarized shades you'd fold like a lawn chair.



5. Braveheart - face paint adds a different dimension to any look. It's borderline cheating if you ask me, but it's darn effective. It helped that William Wallace was seven feet tall and could shoot lightning out of his arse. David Putty also used this look to perfection. Also Mike Tyson, who instead of paint used ink on his face, looks pretty scary.

Fresh Eyes

Don't Worry, Big Papi is Back!!!!!



Actually no, no he's not. He just went to the eye doc to see if his sight was a cause of his .197 batting average. Apparently he's got 20/20 vision. So he bought some of eye drops.

Hopefully, he'll be hitting over .200 in the blink of a dry/wet eye.

Going Stag

I love the word Stagflation. Apparently it's going on right now. I first heard it at one of those Masters of the Economy seminars presented by Borders. I think the guest Speaker was Matt McGowan. I heard it in Q3 of 2007. However I haven't heard it since.

From Investopedia:

Stagflation

What Does Stagflation Mean?
A condition of slow economic growth and relatively high unemployment - a time of stagnation - accompanied by a rise in prices, or inflation.

Investopedia explains Stagflation
Stagflation occurs when the economy isn't growing but prices are, which is not a good situation for a country to be in. This happened to a great extent during the 1970s, when world oil prices rose dramatically, fueling sharp inflation in developed countries. For these countries, including the U.S., stagnation increased the inflationary effects.


In laymans(not Mr. McGowan) terms, stagflation is like kicking the economy in the nuts, then giving it a wedgie.

Wolf

This blog has already documented that the only person ever to beat Chuck Norris in a fight was Bruce Lee. Let's just say, I was pandering to the Norris fans out there. I was protecting his image. Now while it may be true that Chuck Norris once did a wheelie on a unicycle. And sure it's possible that he can make a snowman out of rain. He may have even strangled a guy with a cordless phone before. But the evidence is right there. He didn't win EVERY fight.

For you diehard Norris fans, you may want to sit down, and maybe put your hands in front of your face to kinda filter it. Brace yourselves, here is footage of Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked by a guy wearing an argyle sweater.



Carradine was the only guy who could pull off the argyle sweater bit. What you think Van Damm could've done it? No way. Stallone? Ha! Give me a break. I can only think of one other person that would have the balls to show up to a fight with Chuck Norris wearing an argyle sweater, and that's Matty Dwyer. And he probably would just run around looking like an idiot before Norris finally caught him and beat the shit out of him. So, kudos to you David Carradine. You once beat up Chuck Norris. And you looked good doing it.

Kung Fu

David Carradine was found dead today from an apparent suicide. I just wanted to give a little shout out to young Grasshopper. Here he is in the final scene from Kill Bill, Vol. 2. This is the climactic grand finale death match between Bill and his former girlfriend Beatrix Kiddo.




It's a great scene because she nails him with my favorite move: the 5-point palm exploding heart punch. The punch is unique because although it's lethal, it doesn't kick in until a few minutes after impact. It really gives you an opportunity to tie up any loose ends, and really get your stuff in order before you go to the next world. Plus, there's nothing worse than when someone is dying and they whisper out the secrets of the world with their last breath only to die before giving up the vital information. The 5-point palm, exploding heart punch avoids this by providing ample time to clarify any confusion. Bill and Beatrix use their precious time to reconcile and gain some closure. Bill gets to die a somewhat happy man.

Goodbye Bill. Goodbye David.

Uncle Buck

Buck Rogers was from the 25th Century. Der.




Bonus Clip:

It's a known fact that humans only use something like 10% of their brainpower, and that the potential power of the human brain is endless. Over time, as humans evolve, we discover new ways to harness this power. If I could use one power from a 25th century brain, this is what it would be...the ability to undress Erin Gray just by thinking about it.

How to Woo a Flounder

Hey, Davy Jones, meet Matt McGowan, the Don Juan of the Seven Seas.